Happy Endings?

I LOVE massages. Pretty much anyone who knows me has heard me extol the virtues of a good masseuse. Since my life here in Rio has been mostly work and very little play, I decided (after a very, very delayed paycheck) to treat myself. So, I began by plugging (in Portuguese) "massage" and "Rio" into an online search engine. Oopsy. Needless to say, my naive search returned a mountain of X-rated results. Many places promising your money back if you don't receive a "happy ending". Okaaaay, definitely not what I'm looking for. I tried again....and again....and again. Still nothing but pop-up ads with naked chicks and innuendos about "hot rocks". I finally had legitimate results after searching the Brazilian version of the yellowpages.

The problem was, no place listed a website-- just a name and (usually) a cell number. Creepy. I decided maybe searching "spa" might be a better way to go. Instantly, I found a really nice website for "Spa G", located in a nice neighborhood. Finally! I wrote down the address and figured I'd swing by the next day, since it was on my way.

As soon as I stepped into the "spa", I knew I'd made a mistake. Don't get me wrong, it was beautiful inside. And offered a huge list of awesome-sounding services. Unfortunately, I wasn't the "desired" clientele. After exchanging greetings, the man at the front desk gave me a strange look. He just stared at me with a mixture of amusement, annoyance and pity. The silence made me uncomfortable and I started to ask a question but two very buff men wearing only towels (fresh out of the steam room) walked past me, hand-in-hand, interrupting my train of thought. Ohhhhhhhhh, got it. I looked at the front desk guy, smiled and said, "This isn't my kind of place, is it?" He smiled back (totally amused now) and said, "No, sweetie. This is not your kind of place." I thanked him and-- honestly disappointed-- walked out. Duh??!!! I'm an idiot. It's even called "Spa G"....damnit. Crap. Now I have to start searching all over again!

A bit gun-shy from the experience, I figured I should give up the search for a bit. So, two weeks passed. Then, coincidentally, I got a tip from an acquaintance about a friend of hers who just happens to be a masseuse! Ding-ding-ding! I got the info and made an appointment.

So, today was my appointment. I must admit, even for a seasoned massage veteran like myself, it was a surprising experience. It started out normal enough. We chatted, she asked me about problem areas, habits, etc. She showed me the room and told me to undress, blah, blah, blah. I was barely listening-- soooo excited to start. As soon as she walked out, I started peeling off my clothes and laid stomach-down on the table. Suddenly, I realized there was no sheet. Nothing to cover my super-white booty. Hmmm, ok. Whatever, I can roll with it. She comes in, puts on music and starts rubbing my shoulders. I'm just in heaven. YAY! My brain wonders off into la-la land. Then, through the fog, I hear her tell me to roll over. As I start to roll I think, "Wait....um....no sheet...?" Now I'm fully conscious and equally self-conscious. I open my eyes and ask if I could have a sheet or something. She looks at me funny like "ok, weirdo" but gives me a small towel to cover the girls. Ok, I'm fine again. Do, do, do, do....rub, rub, rub. Happy place.

Then....she removed the towel and rubbed my boobs. Yup. Boobs. Just like she was massaging my hands or my feet. No big deal. Very matter-of-fact. No lie. I was in total shock. I've easily had 20-30 massages in my life, never has this occurred. It wasn't sexual at all but I was completely freaked out. She rubbed my stomach and my butt with equal candor and efficiency. In my head I'm going "omg, omg, omg....don't fart....don't giggle....don't like it too much....act like you don't care!!" the whole time but, frankly, I felt pretty awesome afterwards. It was a great massage, if not rather invasive compared to the American version. I never realized how uncomfortable I was with my body until I encountered someone who wasn't. I've never felt like such a prude in my life. I still haven't decided if I'll go back again. It might take a little while to work through the trauma that has been massage here in Brazil, haha....

Until next time...