A strange cocktail of European genes has given me a rather unusual set of physical characteristics. I'm very short, I have brown, curly hair, blue eyes and I'm EXTREMELY white. Not the romantic, peaches & cream complexion kinda white; I'm the white-as-a-wall-to-the-point-of-transparent kind of pale. If I get cold, those nearby can literally count my veins. It's borderline disturbing. On top of that, I have a mess of freckles all over my body. Despite vain attempts to get tan (or even pinkish, for that matter), my skin simply burns, peels and returns to it's stubborn state of pasty. As a teenager, it was my most embarassing feature--- which unfortunately included my whole body. Over the years, I've experimented with every kind of skin-color altering avenue. Self-tanning creams, sprays, tanning booths and, most recently, airbrush spray tans. Why do I mention all this? Well, because in the U.S. I'm just "really white". Here in Brazil, I'm a total freakshow.Brazil's history of racial mixture is evident on the faces of every person I pass in street every day. As a scholar of race, I know that, in reality, Brazilians range from ebony black to my color white. However, the vast majority fall into a middle, brownish category. It's beautiful to see. Dark hair, dark eyes and varying shades of moreno (brown) make the stereotypical Brazilian "type" an international symbol of sex appeal. I am intensely jealous. We are currently in the summer season (preparing for Carnival) and showing skin is definitely in. Short shorts, tank tops, flip flops and breezy summer dresses are all around. Unfortunately, I am forced to suffer in the heat of the day with long pants and closed-toed shoes for fear of exposing my stare-inducing whiteness.
You think I'm exaggerating? I literally get stared at every day because of the color of my skin. Not polite, quick glances....long, intense, full-body-scanning stares. I'm weird....I do not belong and that's obvious. It starts to wear on you after a while. At first, I didn't realize it was SUCH a big deal. Then, it slowly dawned on me. Oh.....that's why no one wants to sit beside me on the bus or the subway...I'm too white.
This is not to say that being white is completely awful. It truly does have surprising advantages. Since I speak Portuguese fluently, I'm often treated like a VIP, I get to speak with high-level individuals that I'm sure the average Brazilian would have trouble contacting and I'm constantly given "passes" and considerations that I know darker-skinned Brazilians would be denied-- despite being a poor student. I can walk into any hotel, expensive apartment building, ritzy restaurant, exclusive club and no one will ask me who I am, what I'm doing there or if I have ID. It's assumed. However, the reverse is also true. I'm often perceived to be an oddity, a source of judgement, racist, a source of income and a spoiled, privileged brat.
I'm not quite sure what to make of all this yet. In the U.S., to be honest, the color of my skin never really crossed my mind. It's not the "free ticket" to privilege that it is here and it's also not something that made me feel ostracized. I think-- to a small degree-- I have learned a bit about what it must have been like to be African-American in the U.S. in the past. I'm the majority in the U.S. but here, I'm a very distinct minority. A minority that has very clearly-defined stereotypes and incites very specific reactions from the majority. Movies, advertising and everyone I see around me do not reflect my physical reality nor my cultural identity. My "type" is not beautiful or desirable. It's truly been a fascinating way to experience and discover race and racism. Race was simply a social phenomena that I studied as an intellectual in the U.S.--- here, it's a part of my daily life. I'm trying to "embrace my whiteness", so to speak. I am attempting to be okay with myself, despite the way I'm seen by those around me. At times, I curse my genetics; wishing desperately to be brown or black or green or anything but white. Those other colors, of course, are not mine and never will be. Race is a tricky concept in any country and here in Brazil there is no shortage of complications-- as I've been learning.
Until next time...
hi niki. i can totally relate ... north americans used to say to me things such as "you must be a hit down there since you're a blonde!" but the truth is that i was absurdly tall and grotesquely thin for northeastern standards of beauty. there are plenty of "white" people and blondes in the northeast, but not *my* type of skinny tall white blonde. other north american women who were also white & blond, but who were thicker, so to speak, seemed to have much more success in that department!
ReplyDeleteit took me a long time to get over the perceptions that since i had lighter skin and light eyes, i must have lived a life of privilege (and this coming more from people in the upper middle classes who by any means grew up better than i did). of course, with time, i realized that it came from an honest place - that's how it is there. i can even say that after awhile, i too assumed that every light-skinned person i passed held a middle to upper class cultural package and upbringing. that it not be so goes so against the assumed and obvious that it would be shocking to most.
of course, i lost my patience with it more times than not. but looking back, i realize that the times when i was understanding and patient, proved to be amazing moments of cultural exchange.
shocking, sometimes, is good, right?
miss you lindinha. sorry i don't check in on the blog much, but know that i'm thinkin of ya!
bjs